I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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