im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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