I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
