If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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