i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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