we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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