It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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