I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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