Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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