: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
