Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
