I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
