shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
