May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
