mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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