There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
