um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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