my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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