I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
