C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
