If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
