I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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