Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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