I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
