Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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