she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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