I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
