I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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