in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Houston, we have a squirter
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
