Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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