I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
