she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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