dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
