ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
