I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
