your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
