am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
