i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Can I color on your dick again?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
