Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We are all done wearing pants today
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
