I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
