if only i could text you this smell
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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