It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
