Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
