My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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