I faked an abortion last night.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
