We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
