If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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