She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
