what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
