Why is your signature on my underwear?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
