I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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