Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Me too!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
