we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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