I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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