i think my tv is drunk
two words...techno handjob
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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