god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
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Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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