just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
