I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
