Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
