i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
