apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
