oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize